It is possible that, in your close environment, you have heard something like: "My partner does not want to have children, but I do. "The opposite can also occur but, in any case, it produces a difficult situation to resolve. Is it possible to reach an agreement when one of the couple wants to be a father but the other does not? situation and we give you some advice on how you can act when the circumstance occurs.
I would like to start this article by quoting the French aviator Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, who is the author of the famous book "The Little Prince", where he brilliantly explains the difference between loving and loving. The extract goes like this:
- I love you –Said the little prince.
"I love you too," said the rose.
- It is not the same - he answered - Wanting is taking possession of something, someone. It is to seek in others that which fulfills personal expectations of affection, of company ... Wanting is waiting, is sticking to things and people from our needs. So when we don't have reciprocity there is suffering. If I love someone, I have expectations, I expect something. If the other person does not give me what I expect, I suffer. The problem is that there is a greater probability that the other person has other motivations, since we are all very different. Every human being is a universe. To love is to wish the best for the other, even when they have very different motivations. To love is to allow you to be happyEven when your path is different from mine
"I understand," said the rose.
"Don't understand it, live it," added the little prince.
There is a growing number of couples who voluntarily give up parenting for various reasons. The problem appears when one of the parties does not want to give up, on the contrary, paternity or maternity is a current desire in their life project. So this vital difference and of great magnitude could mask certain deep conflicts of the couple. These would be:
- On the one hand, the lack of knowledge of the other's life project produced by a communication problem in deep and transcendental themes.
- On the other hand, the conflict could also be in the different expectations we have about the relationship.
[Read +: What to talk about before your baby is born]
To be able to harmonize and calm the chaos that this divergence generates, it is necessary to start a conversation to delve into the deepest desires or longings and inquire into the expectations that each one has about forming a family and the reasons that revolve around it. Only then can the situation be resolved. To lead this conversation, I propose:
1. Find a suitable time and place
It may sound a bit repetitive but many times it happens to us that we do not stop to prepare the atmosphere of the conversation, that is, we do not look for an hour where we are not tired and a pleasant place, with some special food. The idea is to generate a climate that invites confidence.
2. Connect emotionally
To carry out this conversation about being parents or not, I recommend that you try to connect emotionally, that is, look into each other's eyes and not feel anger or resentment for the other. Being able to emotionally tune into the other's words.
To achieve this they could do the following exercise: look at old photos of the beginning of the relationship where they can remember why they fell in love. The photos help to banish emotions darkened by time, to be able to empathize with the expectations of the other
3. What are we together for?
Look into each other's eyes and ask yourselves: what are we together for? That 'why' leads you to look for the deep meaning of the relationship, and when it begins to appear, reflect on it again. In this way, we will be delving into the depth of each one, so that an action plan can be built to achieve that “to what end”.
4. What is everyone willing to give up?
Ask yourself: how do I collaborate with that 'for what'? Here emerges the personal identity of each one that unites with a different other. Finally, it is to be able to clarify how many of the personal desires one is willing to give up for a common project or how to be able to reconcile the wishes in a sharing.
Returning then to the beginning of this post, in "The Little Prince" the distinction is made between wanting and loving. This difference exists precisely when I put in evidence not 'what I want', but rather I place myself in a predisposition to attend to the 'want of another'. Even the fact of being in a couple means that I am not looking for a benefit from my own project, but I want to build a new one in conjunction with another; because that other person allows me to see and know a world that I cannot appreciate from my point of view.
This type of disagreement, such as wanting (or not) to be parents, is an open possibility to discover if we really want to build together an idea that concretizes the true sense of being or not committed to a common idea. That is, it is the open door to meet our eyes and to really know what it is that each one wants to build in his life.
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